The Dog's Jokes

Please come back and visit often as the jokes will change often

VOODOO DICK
There was a businessman who was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, 'Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.

We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- ' and he stopped. 'Except what?' the man asked. 'Nothing, nothing.' 'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'

'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'' 'So what's this voodoo dick?' he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, 'Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!'

The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet.' He pointed to a door and said, 'Voodoo dick, the door.' The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, 'Voodoo dick, get back in your box!' The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

'I'll take it!' said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy!' The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said: 'Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!'

JONNY'S BABY BROTHER
One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He layed there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?"

The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Jonny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you." Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.

The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting on the grass crying. "Whats wrong?" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in mommy?" "yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "well... well... Today... *sniff*... The mailman came over and he ate him!"

"NJ CHRISTMAS CAROL"
TWAS DA NIGHT BEFORE FREEKIN KRISMUS..Twas the night before Christmas with a minor twist....'twas the night before Krismus and all trew da block not a creature was stirrin, not even Ed Koch. Da stockins were hung by da furnace wid care in hopes dat by mornin dey'd all still be dair. Me and this skank we was gettin ready fa bed I wore my pajamas she had a paper bag for her head.

When up on da roof dere was a big crash I thought it was a burgler I was gonna kick sum ass. Went out on da fire escape looked up at da sky and der was a sled wid dis freekin fat guy! He had a red suit, and boots dat came up to his knees in da moonlight he looked like Dom Delouise. He had a big sled pulled by dese strange lookin deer. He called one of them Dancer so I assumed he was queer.

As he crept off the roof it became clear to me dat dis guy was lookin to steal my TV! Over his shoulder he had a big sack As he came down da stairs I planned my attack. As he came through da window I stayed outa sight den smacked his fat head Ba-da-bing! wid a lead pipe. He fell ta da the floor wid a groan and a thud I was kinda surprised dat der wudn't no blood. When I rolled him over I near stahted ta cry as he sat himself up and looked me in da eye

Hey! Yo! Santa! I'm sorry yalright? Not for nuthin, he said but it's just not my night. I got lost over da Bronx, I ran over some nuns, had a near miss by Kennedy, now Rudolph's got da runs! I'm out all freekin night I'm busting my hump but I can't go on now not wid dis here lump. Do me a big favor and be a real pal Take over for me and be Santa, Sal I said, Hey! I'm from Brooklyn I ain't right for da part but he said that Santa comes from da heart. He made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Stop at every house (except for the Jews) I got inta da suit stepped onta da sleigh wonderin why reindeer smelled just dat way.

So I took off on my mission I din't wanna be late while old Saint Nick spent da night hosin my date. So dat night I was Santa bringin kids joy and bliss and if ya don't believe it den Hey! Jingle Dis! Since then every Krismus I'm out in da cold riding shotgun wid Santa cuz he's fat and he's old. I'm his number one helper I been deputized so on dis Krismus eve don't be surprised if you hear a voice saying loud and abrupt Merry Krismus to all, thanks alot, Shut up!

ENGAGEMENT
A young hillbilly makes an announcement at the dinner table that he is going to get married. The father asks, "Do we know her?" "No", said the young man. Then the father asks, "Is she a virgin?" "Yes", said the young man. "Well", said the father, "If she ain't good enough for her own family - she ain't good enough for ours!!!"

LAUNDRY MAT
An ordinary man was at the laundry mat cleaning his clothes like everybody else. All of a sudden he smelt a horrible odor. He realized the clothes he was wearing were dirty too! So he took off all his clothes and stuck them in the wash. Sitting there buck naked he pulled out a cigarette. Before he could light it up two incredibly gorgeous blondes walk through the door.

He was in shock! Embarrassed, he made like he was a statue. The two blonde women came over too him, the first one pulled his crank and the cigarette came falling out of his hands. She said "ooh look! It's a cigarette dispenser. The next girl tried but no cigarette came out so she kept on pulling. Finally she said "no silly it's not a cigarette dispenser it's a lotion dispenser!"

PRIME ENTERTAINMENT
One day this guy strolls into a bar and strolls up to the bartender and says to him, "My friend told me that I can find some prime entertainment here for pretty cheap. Would you know anything about that?" "Sure, " says the bartender, "How much are you willing to spend?" "I'm kind of broke this week, but I've got twenty dollars," the guy says.

"I'll tell you what leave your twenty dollars on the bar, go down that hall there and take the first door on your right," the bartender tells the man with a smile. So the man leaves his money on the counter and walks down the hall and goes into the room. The room is empty except for a bed and a small dresser. The man takes off his clothes and waits on the bed. After a little while a small panel opens up on one side of the room and a chicken runs out and starts running around the room. The guy just sits there thinking that this wasn't what he had in mind, but that it would have to do. So the guy jumps up catches the chicken and starts to screw it.

When he is done he dresses himself and leaves the bar. The guy comes back to the bar the next week and goes up the bartender again and says, "This week I brought some more money, but I want something better if you know what I mean. I'll pay for the best entertainment that you've got." The bartender tells the guy to leave $80 on the counter and to go upstairs down the hall and to take the first door on the right. So the man does and when he opens the door to the room there is a circle of chairs around a bare floor. All the seats are filled except for one seat which the man decides to take.

After a while the floor opens up in the center of the circle of chairs and there are two lesbians going at down in the room below. The women are rubbing and prodding and caressing each other and all the guys in the room get really turned on and watch the whole thing until the lesbians are done. Then the floor closes back up and people start to get up to leave. The man says to one of the other guys as they are leaving, "Man that was really something. That's what I call entertainment."

" No", says the guy back, "you should have been here last week, some guy was screwing a chicken."

I was thinking what a wonderful country America is! Only in America can a foreign diplomat claim diplomatic immunity for charges of vehicular manslaughter, but our own President cannot claim executive privilege for a blow job!

Only in America can a draft dodger sleep in the White House while a Vietnam Vet sleeps in a cardboard box!!!!!!

THE BETTING OLD LADY
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

THE TASTE TESTER
On his first date with a beautiful woman, a guy decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, the young man berated the steward. "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again the young man was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 alright, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!" Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in this glass ?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the young man sipped at the drunks glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

THE ARAB DIPLOMAT
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,"stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

HOW TO QUIT SMOKING
A girl I knew at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only thse times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called "Cold Turkey". After about a week, I asked her how it was going."Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

A PAINTERS HELPER
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

SCIENTIFIC DEDUCTION
Scientists have determined that the average time of sexual intercourse is (4) minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is (9), making the average intercourse consist of (36) strokes. Since the average length of a penis is (6) inches, the average girl receives (216) inches or (18) feet per intercourse. The average girl has intercourse about (3) times a week, which is (50) weeks out of the year. Now then, (150) times a year times (18) feet per intercourse makes (2700) feet or just over a half mile of penis per year! So, girls, if you're not getting your half mile every year, you're below average and you need to catch up!

A TEXAN IN AUSTRALIA
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

REVENGE
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading "I found a new boyfriend,leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

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The Dog's Jokes

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